‘The Bachelor’ Season 29 Premiere Recap: No Drama Llama – Vulture

Things you buy through our links may earn Vox Media a commission.It’s been a bit of a tough time since the finale of Jenn’s season. That horrible finale, the revelations that Devin was a big ol’ creep who should have never been on the season at all, whatever was/is happening between Jenn and Sasha from Dancing With the Stars, the goddamned election, the film Emilia Peréz. As a people, we’ve been through a lot and we need a win. While I don’t think we’re going to get another season like Joey’s for a while or maybe even ever again, we need a straightforward, regular-degular Bachelor season. And I think Grant Ellis is the man to deliver us an acceptable and unremarkable season. Something about Grant just says “a sleeve of Ritz crackers, lying on the couch while hungover.”And honestly, I think I’m fine with that — 2025 is my TENTH YEAR recapping this preposterous franchise, and the show’s attempts to keep topping itself by promising the “Most Dramatic Finale Yet” have gotten tiring. I’m old now. I’m ancient. I’m decrepit. I gave my injector a picture of Count Orlok as an inspiration image. I can’t keep up with the drama. So a season where the major dramatic thrust is “the slow and inevitable passing of time confuses Grant” is a reprieve. A Bachelor who can barely make a decision feels like comforting stability. Nostalgic, even.  In this one situation, I will shun modernity and return to tradition. A hot goober who doesn’t know what he wants. America is healing.Let’s get into it.It seems like the vibe they’re going for with Grant is “’90s Fine.” You know, a guy who would appear on one episode of Living Single and be caught in a love triangle between Khadijah and Regine. He’s giving Love and, you’ll never believe this, Basketball. Because Grant was eliminated so early on Jenn’s season and unceremoniously announced at 2 a.m., his intro package has to do a lot of work to catch us up on the lore. Grant is from Houston, he’s got a very cool sister, and he’s ready to get married and have babies RIGHT NOW. Because we never got his Hometown episode, we meet a lot of his family. His parents divorced after 30 years of marriage, and his dad is now sober after a long struggle with addiction. His dad sits down with him and tells him that Grant will be a better father than he was and that Grant is special. Marcus went further on Jenn’s season than this guy? UGH! Grant gives his first first-impression rose to his grandma who seems only vaguely aware what he’s talking about.Grant is VERY focused on finding a wife and having kids. Grant, these women are 28. They’d be child brides. Jesse meets Grant in front of the Bachelor mansion and Grant does a few dances to get the nerves out. I’m gonna be honest with you, if he keeps up this timid little dancing throughout the whole season, I’m gonna have a hard time. Joey has the Mirrorball Trophy. That’s a dancer! Full choreo or get the fuck out the mansion. No time for a 5-6-7-8, because the first limos are arriving!(One real quick observation: The dresses for the opening night are either sequined edifices that must weigh over six pounds or silk nightgowns that you could fit in an evening bag.)The first ladytestant out of the limo is Rose, who hasn’t prepared anything. She seems nice enough and Grant seems to really like her. Next is Litia, who is Mormon and was born in Hawaii and gives Grant a rhinestone basketball. She says in her intro package that religion is a guiding light for her. Get this girl on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. J’Nae comes out of the limo and throws chalk in the air for a pre-game ritual. My dumb ass wrote in my notes “Oh wow, she has fake snow!” She’s a basketball player and Grant says as she walks away, “I guess she’s a LeBron fan.” There’s Parisa, who is on the show to find a cat daddy — wait, no! A daddy for her cat! Wait! No! HER PET!! She owns a cat and would like to find him a father. There’s Carolina from Puerto Rico who is one of my early favorites. She asks Grant if he knows a little Spanish, then proceeds to tell him she’s ready to get married and make fun of him for not understanding Spanish … all in Spanish. Grant’s language skills are really tested in this episode. Fuck Duolingo. Muzzy needs to make an appearance on a future group date and lead a foreign-language lesson.Alli Jo pulls up in a Jeep and gives him a pizza because New Jersey. Italian. Get ready! She’s gonna be loud! Bada-bing! Up next with an intro package is Dina from Chicago, who kinda looks like if that Chelsea girl from Love Is Blind took the Substance. She gives Grant her hands and says she’s been told she has beautiful hands so she’ll need a size-6 ring. She also says in her intro package that people underestimate her as a lawyer because she’s a girl and pretty. There’s Radhika and then Allyshia. Allyshia has a genie’s lamp and is quite frankly dressed like a street rat from Aladdin. She asks Grant to rub the lamp and I swear to God she says, “Make a wish. Our wish might be Grant.” Girl, granted. Just say granted. We’ll get the pun. After a few other entrances, there’s a llama approaching. Grant looks down the driveway and asks, “Is that a donkey?” I’m falling for this dummy. Leading Linda the No Drama Llama is Alexe. She grew up on a farm so she brought a llama. The real surprise is she BRINGS THE LLAMA INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! Linda the Llama just hangs out the entire cocktail party. Linda needs her beauty rest. (Linda has a bold brow so she obviously cares about her appearance.)There’s Juliana, who is Italian and from Boston. I look forward to her and Alli Jo having an Italian-off and I do not look forward to Grant possibly going to Boston. I hope her family is cool because based on what I know about Boston, this whole thing could go from Hometowns to Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Then there’s Chloie who is a “plus” “size” model and I do not have enough air quotes in the world to describe this woman who most likely wears straight-size clothes and is being presented to us as body diversity. “I’ll never be a size 0” says a woman who is no more than a size 12. We’ve broken the fat-person ceiling on The Bachelorette. Just cast a fat woman on The Bachelor. (For anyone freaking out, “fat” is a neutral term and we don’t need to do the whole “She’s not fat! She’s beautiful!” in the comments. Because one, you can be fat and beautiful at the same time, and two, I don’t see a fat woman in that house yet.) Bailey is a social-media manager, which is the term The Bachelor uses when they want to make an influencer seem like they have a different job. She has him take pictures of her and we’ve seen 100 percent of her gimmick.Speaking of gimmicks, entrance-montage time! Sarafiena with a big Grant head for some reason! Kyleigh who knows Grant likes to dance the salsa brings him a jar of salsa for some reason! Neicey is in a lab coat! Kelsey wears a Mrs. Ellis jersey! Savannah brings him a wedding cake!Then two of the absolute hottest women I’ve ever seen on this show give dynamite entrances. There’s Vicky, who arrives with a “Viva Las Vicky” sign because she’s essentially a bottle girl and she’s SO HOT. Next is someone possibly even hotter, Zoe. Great googly-moogly. This is the baddest bitch I’ve ever seen on this show. She arrives with a T-shirt cannon that she shoots over the house and basically attacks the women. This is a display of powerful dominance. A sexy woman, basically holding a cannon, dropping images of her future sexual conquest on her rivals. Arthurian legends have been written about less. Pack it up, girlies. Zoe is the one to beat.And with that, it’s time for the cocktail party. There’s honestly so little drama and the show has to work overtime to let us know exactly what Grant’s deal is. One of my favorite completely delusional interactions is when Bailey says that she’s got a bob so she wants to take another selfie with Grant where he has a bob. She gives him a Shake-N-Go to pop on and Bailey, baby. That ain’t a bob. The bob is not bobbing! That’s a pussycat wig! Grant isn’t giving Silk Sonic or André 3000 in the “Hey Ya” video. He’s giving Anita Baker. Parisa has made a Power Point and generative AI to show Grant what their wedding pictures would look like and Grant says, “You really did that!” Yikes.Allyshia gets the first kiss of the cocktail party and a bunch of ladytestants are watching. I feel like this group of women are always lurking in the shadows trying to see what’s going on. Juliana sits down with Grant and plays piano TERRIBLY. I cannot overstate how fourth-grade recital this woman’s piano playing is and Grant says, “She’s got really impressive skills. She’s talented.” Okay, so he thinks she’s the hottest, because she’s not good. Carolina can’t stop crying, I think because she realizes in real time that her parents will someday die.Suddenly, a mystery woman appears in a stretchy black dress. Who could this woman be? An ex-girlfriend? A former Bachelorette? Who? Who? When they played a little clip of the woman asking him, “Have you kissed anyone yet,” I knew it was his sister. And I’m a little surprised that the women didn’t figure it out, because Grant and his sister Taylor have the exact same smile. These two are incredibly related. Again, we didn’t get Grant in the top four on Jenn’s season so we’re gonna do his Hometown now if you don’t mind. Taylor shows off some baby pictures and tells some embarrassing stories. She used to dress him up as her baby doll. I can relate because I’ve been told that I called my younger brother “my baby” for the first year of his life because I didn’t understand that he wasn’t a Cabbage Patch Doll. She sits down with groups of the ladytestants and lets them know he had a seven year on-again, off-again relationship. I’m sorry — WHAT? She frames it as “When he loves someone, he loves hard,” but that sounds like some fuckery to me. I definitely need more information. Taylor takes her leave and Grant has the first-impression rose to deal with.But there’s a twist!! Whoever gets the first-impression rose will get the first one-on-one date. Uh … sure? The Bachelor, you’ve been doing things the same way for all these years, don’t go introducing new rules and tricks at this point. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alli Jo, Rebekah, and Ella get recruited as Traitors and have to pass someone a poisoned golden chalice. But Alexe gets the first-impression rose and a little make-out with Grant. Grant loves that she works with children, and he knows she’d be a great mom. Okay. WOW. Grant has some strong opinions about these women very early.It’s time for the Rose Ceremony and Parisa is regretting making Grant watch a Power Point slide show. Litia, Rose, Zoe, Ella, Alli Jo, Natalie, Juliana, Vicky, Carolina, Beverly, Bailey, Dina, Chloie, Rebekah, Sarafiena, Allyshia, then finally Parisa is humbled by being given the last rose. Kyleigh breaks down into tears and says her little-girl self is proud of her adult self. This is a lot of tears for night one. Jesse leads Linda out of the mansion as Grant leads the ladytestants in a toast!This season on The Bachelor: Oh no! Grant is a singer!!!!By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us.Things you buy through our links may earn Vox Media a commission.

Source: http://www.vulture.com/article/the-bachelor-recap-season-29-episode-1-week-one-arrivals.html