My Husband Refuses to Accept a Key Reality of Parenthood. It’s Making Living in Our House Difficult. – Slate

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.Dear Care and Feeding, My husband has a crafting hobby that takes up a lot of space (think: a weaving loom, but not that). It’s been a big part of his life for a long time; in between jobs, he’s even used it to make money. But ever since we had a child two years ago, I can count on my fingers the number of times he’s participated in the hobby—like, seriously, it’s once every few months. Which I totally get. The stuff I use for my own pastimes, like tennis, have basically been gathering dust in a cubby since we brought our son home. It’s just not that phase of life.The problem is that unlike my tennis racket, his hobby doesn’t fit in a cubby. All of his equipment is still in our living room. It takes up literally half of the room, which was small already and is now busting at the seams with toddler toys. I asked whether there was somewhere else we could move the hobby, but husband got really upset because, as he rightly pointed out, the only free space for his stuff is in our crumbling, unheated garage, which, since we live in the upper Midwest, would basically guarantee that he does his thing even less than he does now, if at all.I completely get that banishing his hobby supplies probably feels like I’m asking him to give up an important part of who he is. But I’m so, so tired of our space feeling cramped and cluttered with stuff that’s never used, and of constantly worrying that our son is going to bang his head on the sharp, expensive edge of Daddy’s Hobby. Is it fair of me to raise this conversation again (and if so, how?), or do I need to put blinders on until we can afford a bigger house (which might be never)?—Hobby LobbyingDear Hobby Lobbying,You do not need to put blinders on—your husband needs to take his off. His weaving loom is obviously more than just a weaving loom, it’s a representation of the before-times. That’s what my husband and I call our life before we had our son, as in: “Remember the before-times, when we could sleep in and spend an entire Sunday rotting on the couch, eating takeout and watching movies?” It is easy to miss the before-times, even if you’re so happy to be parents, which I am sure you both are. They represent a part of our lives that is gone for now, one where we can be spontaneous and dawdle and be responsible for pretty much no one but ourselves. I miss rotting on the couch! You miss tennis! Your husband misses the loom!But your husband needs to re-frame. Getting rid of the loom means making space for so many other things, both physically and emotionally. More space to play, less holding on to a different era of life! That’s not to say that becoming a parent means you can’t have hobbies—on the contrary: happy parents with their own interests are good parents! But parenthood does mean putting what’s best for your kid first.You should absolutely raise this again, and you should do what you did in your question: affirm that this may feel like you’re asking him to give up an important part of who he is. But you should also ask him if he thinks the loom taking up half the living room—and potentially endangering Hobby Lobby Jr.—is what’s best for your family, particularly your son. The loom needs to leave the living room, and you need to work together to make a plan for you to both return to your hobbies. Is your husband able to take a class at a weave looming studio? Is there another place the loom could live—perhaps a friend’s or family member’s larger home? (Is there a smaller hobby that can take up residence in the living room? How about a bookshelf stocked with sci-fi novels and crossword puzzles?) At the very least, the loom can go in the garage, and once it’s spring and summer, you should commit to giving him a few baby-free hours on Sunday afternoons to work on his craft—and in exchange, he can give you Sunday mornings to work on your tennis swing.
Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted.Dear Care and Feeding, My youngest child (and last) of four just turned 16 months, and I might have messed up his sleeping rituals. I’ve been through sleep-routines before; I know the importance of a consistent schedule, and “sleep associations”. But for the sake of survival, I didn’t apply any of it to my baby. He goes to bed at the same time every night, but he still falls asleep with a bottle in my arms. Any time I’ve tried to deviate from this, he cries and will not go to sleep on his own. Since I have 3 others to put down (my husband helps a lot, but sometimes they just want Mom), I’ve just done the “easy way” and rocked him to sleep. We don’t co-sleep; I’ll put him in his crib after he falls asleep, but if he wakes up in the middle of the night, I’ll rock him back to sleep. He’s going through transitions right now between colds, teething, and finally walking, so I’m not going to mess with his sleep routine just yet, but I know I’m going to have to eventually. Am I making things worse for him (or me) by not letting him go to sleep on his own? What are some ways I can smoothly transition him into independent sleep?—Bye-Bye Rock-A-ByeDear Bye-Bye Rock-A-Bye,Please listen to me: you haven’t messed up anything. It is perfectly normal for babies to want to be rocked to sleep. I am 34 years old and I need my husband to scratch my back in order for me to fall asleep! The fact that your baby goes to bed at the same time every night and sleeps in his crib makes you light-years ahead of many other parents who have no routines or rituals at all. (Not judging them, I think that’s fine too, it’s truly whatever works best for you!) The name of the game of baby sleep is survival—whatever allows you to sleep is paramount; the rest will work itself out. Truly. You never hear about high schoolers who need to be rocked to sleep!As far as transitioning him into independent sleep, it is obviously possible —and it will happen —but it may not be smooth. As I’m sure you know, people have very strong opinions about sleep, all with varying levels of controversy and cancellation potential. One mom’s lifesaver is another mom’s child abuse. I, of course, am referring to the cry-it-out method. I recommend some version of this, but not the one where you stick your baby in their crib at night and come back the next morning, crying be damned. You will have to put your baby down when he is awake, though, and let him cry for some period of time (dealer’s choice! It can be a short period!), before you go soothe him. Eventually you will check on him less and less often, and eventually he will fall asleep without you. Babies can do hard things; they can feel upset and they can miss you. And you can also do hard things, including hearing your baby cry (although I also recommend turning down the monitor and/or wearing headphones to lessen the sound, or going for a walk and letting your husband take over).But the truth is (and I’m sure you know this, with four kids under your belt!) every baby is different, because they are tiny little people, and people all have different wants and needs and constitutions. I don’t believe there’s any single, fool-proof way of smoothly ensuring that all babies sleep independently. Eventually it happens (again, think about high schoolers!), but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, and it also doesn’t mean it’s linear. Lots of kids will sleep independently for a while and then regress and be up every hour or need to co-sleep or need to be tucked back in. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.—MindySlate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company.All contents © 2025 The Slate Group LLC. All rights reserved. Source: https://slate.com/advice/2025/02/husband-refuses-reality-of-parenthood-hobbies-marriage-advice.html