Help! I Tried to Do a Good Deed by Taking Out My Elderly Neighbor’s Trash. I Can’t Believe the Mess It’s Caused. – Slate

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.Dear Prudence, I live on the top floor of a five story walk up with no elevator. I have a small dog that I need to take out twice a day. I work from home so I get exercise from this. I usually will take the trash out for my elderly neighbors since I am going that direction anyway. All I ask is that they double bag and don’t make each bag too heavy.Well, my neighbor directly below me had her pregnant granddaughter move in. It hasn’t been great. She has left me more than one nasty note about me “stomping” about. My living room is over her bedroom it seems. I already have carpets down and there isn’t anything more I can do. Anyway, the baby was born and the trash has piled up. I got an even nastier note about the trash when I was sick for several days and couldn’t move around. I felt bad for my neighbor and when I next went out I took a large load. None were double bagged and ended up ripping, so trash and dirty diapers ended up across two floors. I went to the apartment to ask the granddaughter to help me clean up. She told me she couldn’t leave the baby and I was a bitch to ask her. I could see my neighbor beyond the door and she didn’t say a word. I had to get my other neighbors and the maintenance guy to help me clean up the mess.Since then, I don’t take out that neighbor’s trash. At all. The granddaughter has since moved out, and my neighbor has left me several “nice” notes and even a plate of cookies (I returned them). I can’t return to playing nice neighbor after being treated as trash and her not saying a word. Several of my other neighbors have brought it up and said that she is just an old woman, and I will be one someday so I should have more sympathy. I am this close to stopping taking any trash down but my own. I have always tried to cultivated a live and let live philosophy, but cleaning up someone’s shit is so far over the line it is in another country. Thoughts?—Taking Out the TrashDear Taking,To be honest, I think it’s unfair of you to blame your neighbor for the actions and rudeness of her granddaughter (who was obviously not at her most selfless, considered state during her pregnancy). I think you should chalk up that whole ordeal to an unfortunate instance of you having to pitch in for the greater good for a little while—I’m going to guess that everyone involved got in over their heads. But now it’s over, and you can reassess how you’d like to conduct your relationship with this neighbor again.It may be helpful for you to express to her directly how unappreciated and taken advantage of you felt during that time, which she may or may not be able to apologize for. In any case, you need to evaluate what role you’re comfortable taking on for your elderly neighbors if there’s not typically going to be a “reward” in the form of due appreciation or consideration that you’d want. Is it still worth it to you to help out even if it’s a pain? That’s not a leading question: I think you should genuinely consider whether you’re capable of helping with the trash if it’s only going to make you feel resentful.At the end of the day, I think you have to accept the fact that helping others is generally an inconvenient matter, and that this may feel like a pretty lopsided “deal.” Is it worth the trouble simply to feel more connected to your neighbors—or to sustain a relationship with them that you may need to rely on eventually? In my experience, living alone is pretty awesome until it’s not—and I can imagine that it would selfishly be quite helpful to be on good terms with your neighbors, elderly and otherwise, in case of a real emergency.Dear Prudence, I am lucky to rent a house on a very quiet cul-de-sac. My 12-year-old daughter is the oldest child on the block and has started seriously babysitting for our neighbors after she finished her Red Cross training. Several times, she has babysat up to midnight or later on a Friday or Saturday. The parents always keep me up-to-date on their timing. My daughter is never more than five houses away from home and is very comfortable skipping across the street and letting herself in the house. Everyone has cameras. I stayed up the first several times that she babysat late, but it has never been someone we didn’t know. Now, I am usually asleep when she gets home.My favorite summers were when my grandmother threw us out of the house and told us to go explore. Granted, it was the country and not suburbs, but I’d rather cultivate courage and independence in my daughter than anything else. The problem is, when I mention this to other mothers and my peers, people look at me like I am dropping my daughter off on Skid Row. Apparently, I am being “neglectful” and “horrible” for being comfortable falling asleep when my daughter isn’t in the house. I pointed out that my brothers and I often went camping further away from the house at a much younger age and that my grandparents and parents did not worry. And that was before widespread cell phones and security cameras.They say it isn’t the same and that my daughter is “too young” or not being paid the “correct” rate. These jobs are consistent and she enjoys the money, while our neighbors enjoy not breaking the bank for date night. She was very proud when she bought her own gaming system this Christmas and Santa brought her the games she wanted. She is saving up for an electric scooter now. What do I say to these people? Several friends have complained that their daughters want to babysit now and they will not let them.—Baby Sitting BluesDear Blues,It sounds to me that you have a great, trusting relationship with your daughter, and that her babysitting activity falls well within reasonable bounds of safety. Tell these helicopter parents that what works for you and your daughter isn’t going to work for everyone, but that the parenting suggestions box is closed.
Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted.Dear Prudence, A while ago, I took a second job. There I met Jessica, 15 years my junior; she was bubbly and charismatic and definitely one of those cool girls you want to be friends with. She went out of her way to include me and we became friendly. Cue the pandemic. We finished up work and all left the job. Jessica started her own business and wanted merch. I love helping people, especially with my art. But I always forget that mixing work with friendships ruins everything. Anyway, I designed her logo, and bought and painted a box of hoodies, knowing full well I might never get paid—and I haven’t.In the meantime:1) I made masks during the pandemic, got a bit in over my head (sold over 10,000), and had to figure out how to vertically integrate my family, neighbors, and friends into a “factory” to get them made. We got it all done, but it ruined my mental health.2) I started IVF a year into COVID, and it made me feel insane. When it worked and I was pregnant, I was not a fun hang. When baby was born, I could barely function. Jessica hated babies and never wanted to be a mom, so I stayed away. I kept waiting and waiting to feel “normal” … my baby is almost 2.3) I am a pandemic queer. With a lot of time for podcasts and no need to perform my gender, I realized I am non-binary. While working with Jessica, she would never use a non-binary coworker’s correct pronouns, even though my coworker didn’t seem to mind. Jessica’s excuse: All her non-binary friends were fine with not using “they” pronouns. Consequently, I wouldn’t really want to share this part of my life with her.At first, Jessica would follow up with me to check in, but she eventually gave up. Well, it’s been 5-ish years now (I’m cringing). Every time I go into my closet, I see her box of custom hoodies and feel shame. I don’t care about getting paid, I’m just not sure if she even still has the business. Should I move on since there are enough compatibility issues? I’m not sure whether to trust my gut, because I get hermit-y, bad at maintaining friendships in general, and consequently don’t have many friends. But I can’t donate her merch knowing she might see someone wearing it someday and hate me (and I can’t destroy it). It feels like I already blew it. What should I do?—Sweating Over SweatshirtsDear Sweating,I think you need to talk to Jessica. Much of your letter makes it sound that you’ve been making certain conclusions about her without giving her a chance to react, explain, or change.For example, you don’t actually know for sure that she would be freaked out/annoyed by your baby news, or that she wouldn’t make the effort to use the correct pronouns if you make it clear how important it is to you.As far as Jessica knows, you went AWOL on her, professionally and socially. You can’t blame someone for not reading your mind or magically knowing what’s going on in your personal life if you haven’t brought it up, and you certainly can’t use someone’s imagined judgment as reason to avoid them. Fess up to Jessica that your life got very complicated recently, and that you weren’t sure how to address this with her. None of us handled our pandemic and post-pandemic choices as smoothly as we would have liked, and any reasonable person will be sympathetic to your plight. Give her the hoodies (I would let the payment go at this point) and apologize for coming up short as a friend, and then actually give her a chance to respond.Want more Prudie? Slate Plus members get an additional column each week. Sign up for Slate Plus now.Dear Prudence, My online friend and I have been friends for years, and I really value her friendship and our nightly chats. We’ve talked about meeting in person one day, but it’s more just a vague future possibility than concrete plan. Sometimes, she wants to meet and invites me to visit, then backtracks, not ready to meet in person. This inconsistency has been draining, but I understand her hesitance. We are, after all, internet strangers.Well, my friend just told me she’s planning to move abroad within the next couple years. I’m trying to be happy and excited—I understand why she’d want to leave the U.S.—but for me, this spells the end of our friendship. She means a lot to me, and a move abroad will end our nightly conversations (because of the time difference), and it will certainly end the possibility of ever meeting in person. I asked her if we could please meet up just once before she moves, and she said no.My feelings are hurt. I’ve been holding onto the hope of meeting and looking forward to that for so long, only to have it wither and die right in front of me. How could I talk to her about this without her feeling like I’m dunking on her exciting plans? Or should I just not say anything at all because this move is about her, not me?—Left BehindDear Left Behind,It sounds like your friendship with this person has been lopsided for quite some time. You’ve communicated your expectations for the friendship (to meet in person) several times, and she has refused you consistently on that front. She has now communicated with you about her future plans that certainly don’t seem to take your friendship into account. No wonder you feel hurt: To me, having several years’ worth of nightly conversations with someone suggests a high degree of intimacy and closeness. Just because this is an online friendship doesn’t mean that anyone is exempt from fundamental standards of consideration that you’d want in any other kind of long-term relationship.I think you can express your disappointment in a way that addresses the fact that you two clearly have mismatched expectations. Is this friendship more of a matter of convenience for her—does she simply want someone to talk to at night? Or is she committed to making something work (even if it is only online) when she makes the move. Are you willing to settle for purely online interaction for the time being, with the potential that it becomes more infrequent in the future? Once you address these differences, you will have to find out if the two of you can compromise on the shape and form of both your current friendship and for this potential move.For starters, is it absolutely true that this friendship will end once she moves several time zones away, or is that just an assumption you’ve made? You need to have a direct conversation about what you both envision will happen once she moves, and what you both would want in order to continue the friendship in a new format. You might find that the two of you can’t come to an agreement on this: For example, if you can’t imagine being happy without in-person meetings, then you might decide that it’s time to move on from this friend. Friendship is all about figuring out what you both need from and can offer each other; when there’s a mismatch and you’re not able to compromise together, you will have to decide if you want to move on entirely from the friendship (for now, at least) or be the person who settles for a little less.For a forthcoming advice column, we want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!Dear Prudence, I am queer and currently share a one-bedroom apartment with my stepbrother. (We tradeoff who sleeps where—this will be relevant in a minute.) Our new neighbor, “Bee,” is lovely, pretty, and very small-town Southern. She loves to bake and knocked on our door around 7 p.m. with fresh bread and introduced herself. Bee comes by every other week with treats. I don’t think she’s lonely, just likes to bake, and she’s good at it.My brother’s girlfriend, “Em,” has a chip on her shoulder and is as paranoid as a junkyard dog. Em saw Bee deliver us some sourdough and got her hackles up. She started staying over a lot and hung off my brother if Bee came by.Well, Em tried to “confront” Bee, and Bee was very confused. Apparently, she had thought my brother and I were a couple, and she got red when I laughed and told her the truth. Then she asked if Em wanted to come over to look at the clothes she was giving away since it was better to give to friends. Em was offended by the offer because Bee is taller and bigger than her. And they aren’t friends? I laughed even more and told Bee I would take her up on her offer. I several nice sweatshirts out of the deal.Em continues to be pissy, my brother wants me to lay off hanging with Bee, but despite her funny mistake, I like her. She is genuinely sweet and kind and this would be a funny story if Em wasn’t such a sour puss. She doesn’t pay rent, but thinks she has the right to tell me go away in my own apartment. So what should I do? I’d like Bee as a real friend.—Breaking BreadDear Breaking,It sounds like your current living situation is forcing several of your relationships to become entangled. Your individual relationships with Bee, Em, and your brother should technically all be distinct, but they’ve become muddled into one big mess because of the close proximity you have with each other. If this is simply the reality of your living situation for the time being, you need to get some metaphorical space.For example, it’s not your responsibility to broker some kind of understanding or peace agreement between Em and Bee; that’s their business. If either of them talks to you about the other, simply shrug and state that this sounds like something they need to work out. Carry on a friendship with Bee yourself if you’d like, and talk to your brother about some boundaries you both need to set re: how much time Em is at the apartment, and how unacceptable it is for her to tell you to “go away.” If he refuses to set boundaries with Em, you need to seriously evaluate how tenable this living situation is. In the short-term, negotiate with your brother over specific nights where you can trade off having the apartment to yourselves (and maybe communicate that time to Bee, if you’d prefer to have her stop by when your brother and his girlfriend are not around). In the long-term, start looking for a new place.—DeliaI ended things with my partner recently—we’d been together for a little over a year. I kept noticing toxic behavior over and over again, which were: a lack of trust, trying to catch me in lies that didn’t exist, keeping a close eye on my location constantly, asking where I was/who I was with every time we were apart, and making unsolicited and sometimes hurtful comments about my appearance. I would bring those things up occasionally, but the sense he didn’t trust me was always there. I love this person, and the decision to end things was challenging because we do have a very strong bond. In the time we took apart, which was only two days, we both realized we didn’t want to give up on things. We reconciled, and I promised to work on my own part of the dynamic (fear of being hurt, better communication, etc.). I came to find that in those two days, he had posted bashing commentary on Reddit about me. Thanks for signing up! You can manage your newsletter subscriptions at any time. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company.All contents © 2025 The Slate Group LLC. All rights reserved. Source: https://slate.com/advice/2025/01/dear-prudence-neighbors-trash-mess.html