Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser’s most savage jokes ever: Here’s her epic takedowns of Tom Brady, Martha Stewart and more – New York Post
Nikki Glaser is set to host the 82nd Annual Golden Globes on Sunday night — and some celebs are surely nervous if her past jokes are anything to go by. The comedian, 40, made headlines last May for her wisecracks on the live Netflix special “The Roast of Tom Brady.”But that roast wasn’t the first time Glaser came for some of the world’s biggest A-listers. The “FBoy Island” host also appeared at Comedy Central roasts skewering Rob Lowe, Bruce Willis and Alec Baldwin.“I have I think nine shows between now and Sunday [the Golden Globes], because I want to keep testing out jokes and I want to keep getting the monologue in the [most] perfect place it can be,” she told The Hollywood Reporter earlier this week. “Not every host does that. I’m lucky enough to be a comedian who can go and find these rehearsal spaces in front of a live audience, and I trust my audience members to not leak jokes or tell anyone. And we have enough jokes that even if they do, I’ll be OK.”Before Glaser takes the stage on Sunday, take a look back at some of her most savage jokes over the years…“Rob defies age … God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I had known that’s when I had my best shot.” “Jewel is here, so as I call her, Trailer Swift. Jewel, I do not want to badmouth you since God already did. … Your teeth are like the Spice Girls, they’re all different colors and doing their own things.” “I love you in commercials. I’d say you’re the greatest of all time. You’re like the Tom Brady of commercials. Like, the greatest.”“Martha Stewart, thank you for being here . … I’m a huge fan and my mom is an even bigger fan. My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart, including cooking, cleaning, and withholding affection.”“He’s so cute, so adorable. I bet you eat p–sy, but only with the crust cut off first. Isn’t that his look? Speaking of crusty p–sy, I’ll get to you in a second, Cybill.”“Cybill’s gorgeous. I’m, like, honored to meet her. Her resume is insane — model, actor, singer, you name it. She’s f–ked it.”“Your daughters must be so proud of their father … Ashton Kutcher.”“You are such an incredible athlete. People forget just how fast you once ran … from your first family to go be on a reality show. Seriously, I know being a new mom is hard, but even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter.”“Blake, you look like a black guy that got made by a printer running out of ink. Yeah. Chris Redd is here because Comedy Central wasn’t sure if Blake was black or not.”“Alec Baldwin, what an honor to be here roasting Justin Bieber’s wife’s oldest, fattest uncle. I’ll never forget that voicemail when you called your daughter Ireland a thoughtless little pig. It’s got to be one of the worst things you can call your daughter — after Ireland, actually. That name, yikes.”“But let’s get to the reason we’re all here tonight. Uh, Drew Bledsoe. ‘Drew bled so Tom could run.’ But I’m gonna move on from you, just like your team did after you almost died.”“Tom Brady, five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns, you have seven rings. … Well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back, but … Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey, babe, you should try jujitsu.’”“I mean, you’re the best to ever play for too long. I mean … you retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I get it. Hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend. Hey. To be fair, he didn’t know she was pregnant. He just thought she was getting fat.”“Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? I mean, even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money.’” “No one works harder than this man. Do you know that every morning Kevin wakes up at 4 a.m. to make a shitty movie? No, I love your movies. Or as I call them ‘short films.’ No, I’m kidding. I hate them. No, sorry, Kevin, I don’t mean to belittle you, but you ‘be little,’ man. Like, you’re a tiny guy. Kevin is 5’2’’, 150 pounds. Um, 155 after The Rock finishes.”Advertisement
