I Have a Very Specific Annual Sex Quota. Why Is Everyone So Pissed About It? – Slate

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!Dear How to Do It,I’m queer and have been coming out of my sexual shell in the past couple years after previously only having one sex partner throughout my 20s. I am an analytic person by nature, and have found that while I can navigate a lot of emotionally connected and committed polyamorous relationships, I really enjoy and regularly crave the novelty of new dick/strap/pussy—even if my emotional, romantic, and sexual needs are being met. But with a busy schedule, it’s hard to prioritize this without a plan, so I gave myself a target number of new hookups: one a month, or 12 a year. Not all months go as planned—some months, I see no one new. Others, I have multiple new partners. For me, it’s less about the body count than it is about committing to this new side of myself. It helps me feel less stagnant sexually. Also, I’m just a planner!Usually, I chat with people and get coffee or drinks with them as a platonic and separate hang before we have sex. I hear about them, their background, their preferences, safe words, triggers, testing, etc., but it is always with the goal of low-stakes, often time-limited hook-ups.I had an interaction recently where I mentioned this to another queer friend, and they were clearly offended by it. I couldn’t tell if having a specific goal number came off as objectifying or dehumanizing, or if I owe it to potential partners to detail all of this (including the goal). Am I supposed to go beyond the usual “Hey would you be interested in a time-limited primarily sexual relationship?”Any advice on how to move through this with kindness, compassion, and transparency for folks? Or is the issue with having a number like that?—Good With Google CalendarDear Good With Google Calendar,Don’t let one friend’s ambiguous, seemingly negative-leaning reaction to your way of organizing deter you. You have good reasons for setting goals here, and you aren’t particularly hung up on them. Plus, you don’t know why your friend was put off. It could have to do with their ideas of etiquette/decorum, but they may just as easily be jealous or insecure. If they feel that they couldn’t pull one body a month, or in contrast, know that they have way more sex than that and would rather be more moderate about things but are having a difficult time doing so, that could have colored their reaction. I know feeling judged can make things awkward, but ideally, you would have asked follow-up questions to understand where your friend is coming from. Sometimes people are able to give you valuable perspectives that may not have occurred to you, and sometimes people’s feedback is utterly worthless and based on their own prejudices/subjective experiences and can summarily be disregarded on sight. Only further information allows you to determine which category a specific reaction falls in.Your description of the way you treat your partners is sound. It seems that you are straightforward about wanting a temporary/one-time hook-up. You talk to them and get to know them as people. They are presumably looking for something similarly fleeting. You don’t owe anyone, not even a temporary trick, a full biography or explanation of how you’re going about your sex life. They can glean that you are interested in casual, no-strings sex and should assume that if you’re having it with them, you could be having it with several other people. If someone asks you about your hook-up frequency, I wouldn’t lie. I don’t think you’re obligated to reveal any information that you’re not comfortable with, and they may reject you for your answer, but everyone’s got their system and I think respecting their comfort levels with your own honesty is the compassionate way to go about this. There’s nothing in your letter that I find unseemly or unfair. You are allowed to organize your life however you want, no matter what other people’s opinions are. This information might be best kept to yourself to avoid the kind of disrupting judgement your friend gave you, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted.Dear How to Do It,My husband and I moved from a small apartment into a beautiful older home. As another classic New England winter has set in, we’ve learned this place is so damn drafty and expensive to heat. But we’re both troopers! You put on your long sleeve tee, hoodie, thick socks and slippers, and throw another couple blankets on the bed. We really don’t mind, except where it’s impacting our sex life. I can’t help but yelp “get those cold hands OFF of me!” as soon as he gets under my shirt. What positions can be done under the heavy blankets without whoever is on top basically doing a weighted plank? Is this what assless chaps are for? Should we scour Facebook Marketplace for a poster bed with wool curtains, like an 18th century dutch merchant? Please help! (And please don’t use this in a Slate+ exclusive, we’ve got to save up for a high efficiency furnace!)—May to December RomanceDear May to December Romance,You’re going to have to experiment with the best positions for you. The one that immediately comes to mind is from behind with the penetrated party lying flat on their stomach and the penetrator lying flat on top of them. But that might be the “weighted plank” you are trying to avoid. In that case, try side entry, with both of you lying on your sides either facing each other or from behind, which I prefer. That way the thrusting won’t be hindered by blankets too much, as you wouldn’t be going up and down.And yes, you can certainly try semi-clothed sex—a onesie with a butt flap or buttons in the crotch area could help (he could wear standard long johns that would allow access to his dick with just an undone button or two). This is not a heating advice column, but a few other things you can play around with that may be cost effective: space heaters, a heated mattress pad or blanket, or maybe even one of those tents that goes over your bed (assuming that they actually can keep you warm and aren’t just for show). There are also heated gloves and hand warmers you could wear before you touch each other, and heated jackets and vests you can don if you don’t want to crawl under 20 pounds of blanket. Having sex in a warm shower could also be a good way to bypass the drafts and chill of your bedroom.The columnists behind our new advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!Dear How to Do It,I recently purchased a $100+ rabbit-style vibe that was touted on lots of “best of” lists. Well, it’s a no-go for me. I’m kind of tiny, and it’s just too big and uncomfortable. It can’t be returned to the company I purchased it from since it was opened. How does one dispose of sex toys in an environmentally responsible way?—Saving the Earth One Dildo at a TimeDear Saving the Earth One Dildo at a Time,Great question! I had no idea, so I reached out to Lisa Finn, a sex educator for the sex-toy boutique Babeland. She told me that because of the biohazard status of something that potentially has bodily fluids on it, a lot of e-waste facilities will not accept sex toys. But some will, so what you’ll have to do is look up the e-waste facilities around you and find their lists of what they do/don’t accept. Be aware that not every e-waste facility that does accept sex toys will be so blunt about it—they may list the more euphemistic “personal massagers” in what they will/won’t accept. Finding an e-waste recycler around you that does accept sex toys may be a slow process (I found a master list on the New York City Department of Sanitation website and then realized I’d have to Google each one to see what they do/don’t take), but hey, at least it will test your commitment to green living. Finn adds that there are places that will take a vibrator only if you break it apart, remove any silicone coating, and take in the motor. “Be very careful with that if it is a rechargeable toy—you don’t want to accidentally electrocute yourself if you’re going to be cutting this thing open,” warns Finn.Another option: Pass it along to a friend. “If you have a toy that is made out of a non porous material, so a silicone, an ABS hard plastic, a metal, a glass, something like that, if you have a friend that you’re close to, it’s easy enough to disinfect this entirely so that it’s completely sanitized and see if your friend wants it.” In not every friendship will it be appropriate to pay your vibe forward, but if you have a friend with whom you casually discuss things like sex and masturbation, this could work. But since you may have a hard time adopting out your rabbit, Finn presented another idea: “The great thing about internal vibrators is that they can always double as external vibrators,” said Finn, who suggested holding your rabbit like a wand and using the tip of the internal piece against the clitoris or nipples—also if your partner has a penis, you could use it as a stroker by placing the penis between the arms of the rabbit.Finn’s last suggestion: go “the unhinged route” and transform your toy into art. She told me that she made a coat hanger of upcycled butt plugs for a friend’s birthday. If you can figure out another creative use for your rabbit, it’s surely better than taking up space in a landfill somewhere.—RichMy wife and I recently opened up our marriage. It’s awesome—except now her hot sister wants to have sex with me. In fact, she propositioned me the other day. When I told my wife about it, she had a really surprising reaction—one I never thought she’d have. What should I do?Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company.All contents © 2025 The Slate Group LLC. All rights reserved. Source: https://slate.com/advice/2025/03/body-count-new-parnter-how-much-sex-advice.html