Sex advice: Every time I “let loose” with men, I’m later horrified. Why is drunk me like this? – Slate

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!Dear How to Do It, My drinking and going out keeps getting me into sticky situations. The problem is not that I’m drinking too much and getting messy. The problem is that it leads me to make some … questionable decisions. I don’t go out every weekend, but when I do, I like to have a few cocktails with friends and go dancing. Everything always goes well until later in the night when friends start to peel away and I inevitably find a hookup to go home with.The drinks help me “let loose” and put down my otherwise stricter standards for myself. I usually end up connecting with some guy on the dance floor, we exchange some kissing, chat a bit outside, and end up back at my place or theirs (usually mine—at least I have good enough sense not to always go to a random stranger’s home). It’s never been a major problem, but I do often discover it was a regrettable decision. I’ve discovered someone’s political leanings before (not good!). One time a guy weirdly pulled out a bag of definitely used sex toys he just carries around with him. Other times in the morning, I just realize they’re not that attractive, the sex was mediocre, or what have you. It seems so fun and mysterious in the moment to inebriated me, but the real me doesn’t agree with her choices. Is the answer just to quit drinking altogether? How do I give myself a stern talking-to before I go out?—Lowered My StandardsDear Lowered My Standards,How happy are you with the strict standards you have when you’re sober? I’m questioning whether your inebriated indiscretions are a reaction to missing something—whether that’s a relationship, sex, or simply orgasms. If any of those possibilities are the case, you can—respectively—prune your standards to something more achievable, hook up more intentionally, or get a sex toy that blows your mind. Another thing to consider is why you aren’t heading home when your friends start to peel off. Are you lonely? Would it help to plan a sleepover with a friend, a late-night call with an out-of-town buddy, or a winding-down activity you can do on your own at home once your friends call it quits?If you’re thinking, “But gosh, how can I be intentional with my hookups when I’m drunk?”, I would absolutely switch to mocktails or forgo going out entirely. If you’re feeling out of control of your actions, even if you wouldn’t describe that as messy, that’s a sign to slow down. Similarly, if you’re wondering how you could ever have just one or two drinks, you’re looking at an indication that drinking might not be manageable at this stage in your life.That said, people are people, and when you’re meeting a lot of them (and especially having sex with a lot of them, even more so when they’re also inebriated) you’re going to run into some wild moments. The more people you’re exposed to, the higher your rate of ridiculous encounters is likely to be. A lot of sex, particularly first-time interactions, is mediocre. And people tend to be more attractive in the lighting of a bar or nightclub than they are in the harsh light of morning. Figure out what you’re actually looking for in these hookups, and I think you’ll be in a better place.
Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted.Dear How to Do It,My girlfriend and I have been trying to have good shower sex to no success. We both like the idea of it—and how steamy and hot it looks when done by others. But whenever we try to do it, one of us ends up getting waterboarded, slipping in the tub, can’t get the right angle for penetration, etc. And doing foreplay in the shower but then having to dry off before switching to the bed just kills the momentum. We’ve given it a few good tries and ultimately gave up. Any tips to make this hot and not just wet and bothersome?—SteamingDear Steaming,Sex that looks great and sex that feels great are categories that do sometimes overlap, but often do not, or only overlap with a lot of expertise and effort. The real work of porn and erotic films is to balance looking great with having enough pleasure to authentically display enjoyment—and if a performer has to choose, they’d best choose looking great. So, if you’re striving to achieve what you think people in videos are feeling, know there’s usually a gap between what the camera sees and what the people on screen are experiencing.You do have some options: You can get a rubber mat for the bottom of the shower, forgo attempts at standing sex and get down on the floor together, practice standing sex on dry land to get a better idea of what angles are manageable before things get slippery, and you can get a big fluffy towel to lay on the bathroom floor and finish up on that rather than going through the whole process of drying off and moving to the bed. You also might make drying each other off a continuation of foreplay—and then move to the bed anyway. And, if you both come across a shower where the water sprays out from chest level as opposed to directly overhead or from a handheld shower head that is several inches above you in the future, that’d be a great time to try again.The columnists behind our new advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!Dear How to Do It, I am at my wit’s end. I have been with my partner, “Ethan,” for seven years (married for one). Initially, our sex life was great: We would explore and share desires, thoughts, etc. We had several periods of long-distance, during which we had great sexting exchanges that helped us feel close. All of this stopped around two years ago: I kept sending pictures of myself, sharing my sexual thoughts, etc., but he became less and less responsive. He would appreciate it (“You look good”), but this would never turn into anything more.Last year, I got a job closer to our primary residence, and we see each other more often. Sex in person also became more “by the book”: late at night before falling asleep, when I am often physically very tired. It happens frequently, and it’s still very good, but it’s always the same. I kept trying to initiate things differently, but after almost two years of dead ends, I started openly asking about it, to explain how important it is for me to either have a richer sex life the way we used to, or understand what changed. Now it’s even worse. He says he is happy with what we have, reads my requests to understand as rebuke, or avoids talking about it by disappearing the entire day. I understand why he feels like it’s a criticism, but it’s really not: I am sad about the situation, and confused about what changed, or why he won’t even talk about it, when he expresses happiness and closeness in all other aspects of our lives.—At My Wit’s EndDear Wit’s End,I’m wondering how you’ve phrased your requests to understand Ethan’s waning motivation to keep sex interesting. Also, I’m curious whether there are other areas in your relationship where he perceives questions as criticism. Something is misfiring in the communication between the two of you, and I don’t have enough detail from your letter to help troubleshoot exactly where the issue is occurring.Sometimes when our first try at tackling a tricky subject goes poorly, subsequent attempts to broach the topic can trigger negative feelings that stem from the first conversation. If that seems like the case, you might try a very gentle and sideways approach. Think back on what Ethan tends to react poorly to, and start with a topic that is semi-adjacent to it instead. Maybe you settle on one intermediary topic between what you bring up and what you’re really hoping to discuss. Have a successful conversation and leave it there. Let that experience settle into his mind.When you feel the two of you are ready to directly address your sexual needs, think back on successful talks you’ve had in the past. What made those discussions fruitful? What can you bring from those contexts into the present to set yourself up for success? You can also think back on what else changed around two years ago, or a little farther in the past. Did Ethan switch jobs? Is that when the two of you got engaged? Maybe something in one of your families shifted?I realize my suggestions all involve a lot of mental gymnastics on your part—so it’s worth considering how far backward you’re willing to bend to get to the bottom of this. Take some time to really think about it. Put the inertia of seven years and marriage aside and look at what Ethan brings to the relationship, what the relationship does for you, and how much of the heavy lifting you’re willing to do in order to get past this. What kinds of compromises around sex are you willing to make? You’ll want to really think about what you’re willing to do and tolerate, and remember the reasons you’re invested in this relationship.—JessicaI’m in a happy monogamous relationship with another guy, and we live together. Our sex life is overall pretty great, with one issue that I’m hoping you can suggest some way to change my mindset about. I go for a run most every morning, which tends to make me sweat a normal amount. I feel extra gross when sweaty though, so always want to take a shower before going about my day or doing anything else. My boyfriend, once we moved in together a couple years ago, tended to initiate sex in the mornings post-run. Thanks for signing up! You can manage your newsletter subscriptions at any time. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company.All contents © 2025 The Slate Group LLC. All rights reserved. Source: https://slate.com/advice/2025/02/sex-advice-drinking-going-out-hookups.html